That didn’t go to plan. “Your son has cancer!”
But he was on the water slide yesterday?
My first thought when the doctor told me about Ollie’s diagnosis. My following thoughts went as follows:
1. Well that’s not fair he only recently tried to take his life,
2. OMG how am I going to get him through this and his brothers,
3. My eyebrows need waxing (why that came to mind I don’t know)
4. OK you got this!!!
Give me the list of people I need to talk to, the treatment plan, call Charlie’s child care get him more days , call Jack’s school get him counselling, get house cleaner to come in, give Guinea pigs and youngest puppy to loved ones who can care for them while we do this.
What has followed from that day two weeks ago is two operations for Ollie and the start of chemotherapy while his dad and I take 24 hour shifts at the hospital and Charlie’s dad fills in the gap of who’s left behind from animals to Ollie’s brothers.
What has followed for me is a deep stillness in my heart, a great awareness of perspective.
Two weeks ago I was bitching that my gluten free scones looked like crap and my toddlers melt down, that his toast had a bite out of it (his own bite), was sending me to breaking point and now I’m watching my seven year battle leukaemia and well, life then didn’t seem that hard.
I’m humbled, humbled by the outpouring of love and support from friends and families and strangers, a GoFundMe page, to meals cooked, love and thoughts sent and Childcare offered. I’m grateful to be in a country free of threat of harm and world class medical care. I’m grateful for my education and knowledge to be able to advocate for Ollie.
Days and nights in the hospital has brought great reflection, my mothering journey is changing, my career on hold while I bring my boys through this. My dearest friends helping me find humour in the darkest days and I always say if I didn’t laugh I would cry, and nothing is more funny than an inappropriate meme about failed mothering attempts.
I am that lady standing in Coles forgetting how to get to the nappy isle, looking like I forgot to change my clothes from a week ago (i did) and have had one too many coffees as I’m twitching (I have). I am that mum who bursts into tears when asked if I’m OK, only to laugh when the McDonald’s staff forget to put my Mcchicken in my drive thru order after I finally remembered to eat.
I am that women trying to clean my house by shoving random plastic toy parts into draws as I’ve got no idea where to put them, and singing lullabies to the dogs as I swear they are feeling as sad as me at the moment and just want to make sure they feel loved to.
I am this human having this enormous experience and trying to make sense of what is placed before me. I am me and I’m so aware the versions of me will forever be changing as I navigate this stage in my life and this is OK and this will be messy and big and changing and shitty and beautiful .. Because I got this!
Robin is proud mumma of three boys and has worked for 11 years in the welfare sector from counselling , infant case management , youth mental health and school welfare. In 2016 her little man Ollie was diagnosed with autism, ADHD and anxiety. Mid 2017 Ollie’s mental health declined to the point he had an attempt on his life. Thinking life was stressful then, the universe decided to up the Intensity and two weeks ago after a wonderful camping trip with friends, doctors diagnosed Ollie with luekemia. Robin is about finding her strength propped with coffee and funny memes. The ride will be bumpy, the fight long, but the journey will bring a growth and level of love that she hadn’t thought possible.
You can read more from Robin via her Facebook page here